Interfaces everywhere. I talk to everyone through a computer. I replace emotions with canned emoticons and hahahas and hope things get across. How do any of you know that the mostly harmless-looking guy who smiles and waves at you on the road or in tea-board is the same person who posts semi-demented and twisted stuff on this blog, i.e. me? How will you ever know that? How do you know if smiley-guy actually knows there’s a blog with his name on it? How do you know that he even knows that ‘he’ pinged you yesterday and tried to say smart and funny things? Have you ever heard smiley-guy speak more than 1 sentence at a stretch?! Then?! How can anyone ever know? Does anyone know who I am really? Does anyone want to at all?
There are silences everywhere; silences so loud they drown out every other sound. They’re there everywhere, everytime; it’s now the new reality. The mind’s awhirl with questions unanswered. And possibly unasked. Since I’m no longer sure if I asked the questions. Or if I only meant to. Or if I didn’t. Or if I want the answers. Or if the confusion was others’. Which I pulled upon myself.
Logic vs. Emotion vs. Hope vs. Fate vs. Inevitability. Battles rage on internally. I’m the battlefield and the spectator. As the gladiators fight. And then they do the graveyard shift as I beg for mercy and sleep. I get down on the blood-stained earth to make peace but I walk through the fighters like through holographic projections. Their sabres fly through me without resistance but somewhere I feel them, maybe because I’m now, by definition, walking inside myself. For some reason now I think of recursive functions that I once studied but there are the questions again. Was my one-time obsession with Mathematics a manifestation of this very feeling?
Leonard Cohen and Nirvana and the Solitary Man graciously make way for each other on the stage in my head. Are these emotions felt? Or are they merely choices? Which I make? What else does the phrase ‘setting the stage’ mean? Why would I prepare the ring for a fight if I hadn’t already fought this fight in my thoughts.
I clown around for time, again building the feeling; and succeed at times, fail miserably at others. Though success is merely external. The questions thrum on. And to fail externally is sobering. Like the pain that a drunk feels when he stumbles and falls and skins his knee. The pain hasn’t heard of alcohol’s sedative properties and makes it’s cry heard, strident and clear and uncompromising. And the drunk realizes that the stupor is merely physical. And hates himself that much more for being naive enough to believe that all would be well…
Why do I write this? No frigging clue. I feel empty. And nothingness. I’m not even sure if I have actually thought all of this or is this merely ad-libbing? To a hypothetical question. To a hypothetical situation. Or could both be real? Or one this, and one that? And all the 3×2 possibilities? If that many, not sure anymore about that either. Like I once said elsewhere and hastened to retract, am I just a play-actor (egotistical, nihilistic) who fell in love with his role and chose not to/ forgot to wipe off the grease paint, smudged and imperfect at the end of the show, when he stepped out from under the arclights and went home.
But when was the show? And why wasn’t I invited? Or was I?
I’ve been reading ‘Complete prose’ by Woody Allen for the last 2 days and I think I’ve finally managed to work up the courage to step out of the closet and be my true self. Ummm… step out of the closet? Am I a skeleton? Whose skeleton? As in who does this skeleton belong to? As in who is the owner, in the sense of title deeds, not DNA. But then wasn’t that a cupboard in the adage?
Anyway, so here are some of my reflections on life throughout the day :
On life itself :
I’m no longer sure who I am. Am I morbid? Am I crazy? Am I normal? Or do I just have a lame-ass sense of humour? Am I a loner or am I merely unpopular?
I have had this sinking feeling for a long time that I’m a character in somebody’s video-game or computer-game. I’m not sure when the idea came but I’m guessing it was about the time I started seeing bars on the periphery of my vision telling me how much energy and how many more lives I had left. I think I’ll know for sure when I dematerialize during a lab-meeting and rematerialize in Egypt wearing a mini-lungi, fancy headgear and strappy sandals, sword in hand, and the sun starts flashing and I see this in the sky :
Alternately, the sky would flash again and I’d see ‘You lost!!!’ like in the previous case…
Alternately, we’re all living in a giant etherium run by catfish, and everytime some evil snotty baby catfish comes by and flattens its nose and whiskers against the glass and goes tap-tap-tap on the walls, the government falls… Or fuel prices go up…
On nails :
My nails weren’t long yesterday, they weren’t long today morning. OK, afternoon, when I woke up. But all of a sudden they’re shooting past my fingertips. I’m thinking they got wind of my secret plans to take up the guitar once again and decided to do something to spare the lizards in my room… Or they figured there would be mango in the mess for dinner and thought it would be a fun thing to try yellow on for style, for a change.
On love :
Ah, do I sense a certain stirring among some of you. Go ahead, I’m not looking – (heck, I can’t look!), sit up straight, look around to check nobody’s looking and then read on. I’m sure someone’s said this before me but love was probably the Gods’ idea of a practical joke, maybe they held a practical joke competition and the winner of this one won a lifetime supply of tamarind paste or something, one practical joke to reply to another!!
Maybe they said to each other, “Let’s take this population, divide them into unequal halves (unequal – very important), pit them against each other for no apparent reason and make it like a game of some sort, you know, like police-and-robbers or something like that, teams and winners and losers and all, and then huddle in boys, this is the catch – we remove all rules and logic!!! Whaddya say boys?! I think we might be onto something here!!”
And were they onto something! There’s Pulliyogare for lunch everyday in a certain quarter of heaven. And a laugh-riot everytime one more poor Earthling succumbs…
On fireflies :
Fireflies, they say, glow to attract mates. Given my dismal prospects, I’m wondering if I’d be a little more successful with women with a flashing LED fixed to my rear-end… No harm in trying I guess… Though I hate to think that I might end up attracting only moths and flies after twilight.
( You might want to jack up the brightness settings on your monitor to be able to see the pictures at all. Click on images for larger images.)