this one seems to be a topic that i keep coming back to and in a sense all my problems seem in a way connected to it. i wonder who my friends really are? and if i’m ever going to find any at all….
i spent all my school life disliking most of my classmates for some reason or the other, too competitive, too rough, too modern, too old fashioned, anything. and finished school with two or three friends i could really count on. college seemed better, more people, more types, more like-minded company but even so, things remain unsaid; and swept under the carpet. and now an year out of college, everyone seems to have a bone to pick with some classmate or the other, myself included; some people i despise, some i despise but have no option but to be civil to and whats more, i end up as referee/ mediator on some other feuds. must things necessarily end this way?
i can’t seem to figure out where things have gone wrong. lines have been crossed; things which should have been left unsaid have been said; under the guise of humour, gallons of bile have been poured out and vengeance unleashed. and left things impossibly shattered, much as we cared to look the other way. but isn’t that what friendship was about? to instinctively know where to draw a line, to know what topics were exposed nerves and how far to tweak them for a lark, and to know how much coarse humour actually qualified as humour before it turned offensive, to know what ideals one held sacred no matter how foolish?
i seem to have a singular knack of landing up in the wrong company. a lot of my friends these days seem to have made it their abiding principle to try and say something as filthy as possible just to get my goat and then enjoy the sight. while i don’t mind having my leg pulled, i cannot stand the fact that someone else be dragged through the muck in order to irritate me albeit that does seem to be an effective route.
how long are we going to go on doing this and put it down to stag humour or manliness or a sign of the fact that we’ve grown up and no longer talk of juvenile topics. why? do a few common interests qualify as reasonable grounds for friendship? or the fact that we’ve studied together? why can’t i find friends who’d function within similar bounds on sensitivity and propriety and respect and leave one with the memory of a brilliant conversation or a discussion? what wouldn’t i do for the sheer joy of listening to one brilliant line based on something more than base observations or crude metaphors?
familiarity bordering on contempt, to use an old line, and a complete lack of respect for absolutely anything seems to be the way the wind is blowing. letting down barriers seems synonymous with dropping all vestiges of civility and decency and i wonder if this must be the definition of friendship now.
Freddy Mercury of the band ‘Queen’ sang, ” friends will be friends….”
i wonder if that’s a good thing…..
p.s. : i want out….